Battleship happens when a studio head goes on a month long bender and Hasbro has the incriminating photos of their wild escapades. It’s the only way to explain this movie. When you think of the source material one does not simply think “this has to be a movie” as they play the board game. Battleship is meant to be a mindless summer blockbuster starring a couple guys from Friday Night Lights (Taylor Kitsch and Jesse Plemons), and Rihanna. It has a ton of marketing behind it, and just enough recognizable talent to peak some movie goer’s interest, but ultimately Battleship sinks fast with uninspired writing, and lifeless actions scenes.
I want to point out that normally I am a sucker for this type of movie. I fully admit I often enjoy the fun ‘popcorn flick’ as a way to just sit back and not have to think for a couple hours while watching some big explosions. Battleship offers a couple nice special effects moments, but those are already in the trailers. Battleship is that pretty girl across the bar that smiles at you, but when you get the nerve to walk over you realize that she is cross eyed with a unibrow. There are moments where it feels like it captures the spirit of an enjoyable blockbuster, but seconds later you’re back to shaking your head in disapproval.
Battleship could have been a movie to showcase the Navy. It could have been a two hour commercial for the armed forces. That would have been far more interesting than the alien plot they went with. As clichéd as it sounds, I would have liked to have seen Liam Neeson lead a group of washouts in some Naval war games against competing countries. Nope, aliens. People love alien movies right? Sadly, to incorporate at least some aspect of the board game the alien’s main weapon is shaped like the little pegs you use to mark your hits and misses in the board game. They land on the ships, pause a few seconds and explode. It’s a HIT!
Overall Battleship is just a lackluster bore. The contrived plot can’t hide behind the special effects like the Transformers franchise. It doesn’t have the humor or “over the top” cheese of a movie like Independence Day. If you watched the trailers for Battleship then you have seen everything you need to see for this. I would skip it and go see Avengers again.
Rating: 1.5 out of 4
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